Teacher

When I was a kid, one of my fondest memories was being outside with my friends at recess, pretending we were teachers, or vets or doctors. Our imaginations were endless with the possibilities.

As we grew up, each one of us had different ideas of what we wanted to be when we grew up. Mothers, doctors, lawyers, teachers, accountants, counselors... the list goes on and on.

As a teenager, I wanted to be a guidance counselor in the HS. I remember Mrs. Stahl, whom I was a teacher assistant for during my study hall. She helped me get through a lot when I was a senior in high school, pregnant and scared. So I wanted to be like her and help other girls and guys with their problems.

Of course, as a teenage mom, the possibilities aren't always available. I had to work in the evenings, Shane worked suring the day, and we took turns caring for Cameron. Shane was adamant that I would stay at home with him and he wouldn't go to daycare. I was totally agreeable to that.

Shane started going to school in the evenings in 2001. We struggled and struggled and finally in 2009, he graduated with flying colors and has his bachelor's degree. I was so excited for him, but inside maybe a little jealous. While I had gone to real estate school, and easily passed the state test, and was positive that was what I wanted to do with my career, I felt void still.

I worked after Cameron got into school at the schools. I was an instructional assistant for a life skills classroom, which just kind of fell into my lap as I was substitute teaching at the HS in Sheridan. I went on to be an I/A at Westfield for another 2 years. However, there was a law passed that all paraprofessionals (I/A's) would have to have at least 60 credit hours to be employed as an I/A. I was crushed. I have tried to get in and have applied and interviewed, but as soon as it comes up I have no degree, I am a lost cause and a waste of time.

Last fall, I was supposed to start going to Ivy Tech to start a degree, but decided to stop and not add any more debt to our student loans from Shane's venture, and just be the perpetual part timer I have always been. I could go back into real estate, while I substitute teach, and be able to pay for board of realtor fees and all that, but the more I sit here and think, the more I pray about what God has in store for me, the more I feel like He is telling me to go with my first reaction. Go back to school. Do what you always wanted to do. I had previously started to school at IU Kokomo when Cameron was 2, but we definitely couldn't afford it, so I had to quit. And now, the thought of going to school and having to sit and listen to some professor drone on and on makes me nervous. But, I got online last night and looked. I can do a lot of classes online. In fact, I can get an associate's degree in Early Childhood Education completely online. The transfer the cresits to get my bachelor's in Elementary Education....or I can do a general studies Associate's degree completely online and then transfer to a secondary education degree later on. When I think about what it is I really, truly want to be when I grow up, the answer has stared me in the face for years. I want to be a teacher. The thought of going into an office and selling real estate doesn't appeal to me nearly as much as being in a classroom with a class of kids that want to learn. I originally wanted to pursue an elementary degree, with my kindregarten endorsement, but the more I thought about it, I want to be a HS english teacher. Maybe do newspaper or journalism class, or yearbook. English is my best subject and if I were to be a teacher in HS, I would be an english teacher. So, I am praying that God will guide me to the right path. Am I supposed to go back to school now? At 31 years old? By the time I was finished with my degree, be in my mid to late 30's? But, a teacher can teach long after retirement age so long as they are healthy enough...so maybe...just maybe....

I find myslef longing to be in a classroom, so I sub at Westfield Schools and love it. But it's not the same as it was when I was an I/A in the classroom and had a class of kindergarteners all morning where they knew me, came to me for help, etc. Real estate cannot get me that same kind of enjoyment. Yes, I love houses. Yes, I enjoy showing homes and selling home, but it doesn't fulfill me the way being at school does. I love getting to know the kids and being around them and helping them learn.

Who knows what God has in store for me. maybe I am supposed to be an elementary teacher, maybe a HS english teacher, maybe a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I feel God is telling me that I am supposed to be a teacher. But in order to be a teacher, I must first be taught, so I am pretty sure that school is in my near future. yikes! I am going to have to put myself out there and head back to school.

In the meantime, I will substitute and enjoy every minute of it.

Family ties

We went to Kentucky over Memorial day weekend with my parents. My mom is from Ashland, KY and we went to visit her dad's graveside. Along with some other people we visit and gravesides we visit, we usually like to drive around and see things my mom remembers from her childhood.

My mom has a brother and a sister. She also has two half brothers and a half sister. The half sister she had never met. Seems that when she was younger, growing up, the story was that Diana's mom didn't want her around my grandma and her kids. So, they had never met. My mom has always wanted to meet her to see what she was like, if she looked like her dad, etc.

When we first got to Ashland, we went straight to my grandpa's cemetery. It is a small family owned cemetery, so typically you never see anyone else there. We looked and saw some peopl over by my grandpa and his family's stones. Mom was wondering who this was. When we walked up there, they turned and looked at us, then turned away. I knew it had to be family by the way the lady looked. Shane and Cameron had never been there, so they were asking questions. As soon as she turned to grandpa's gravestone and said "and this would be my dad". The older lady turned around and said "well that woudl make her your sister". The lady standing there was my mom's half sister she had never met. After the shock wore off for both of them, they started talking. Her mom was the one that put it all together and figured out who we were. We all stood around chatting and getting to know each other and my mom was so excited.

They exchanged addresses, emails, phone numbers and we all went on with our day. My mom talked about that nonstop all weekend! But she was hesitant in her excitement because she didn't know this woman and she didn't know if this was an act and she would never hear from her again or not.

We came home and my mom immediately emailed my new aunt. It took Diana a couple weeks to get back to her, but she did and now they are nonstop emailing and now both of them are on facebook and talking. My new aunt even added me and Shane on facebook! Now I can talk to my aunt anytime I want. My mom is excited because she has so much more in common with her half sister than she did her own siblings. They never talk to her, they don't have anything to do with her, they look nothing like her. My mom and Diana look like sisters. My mom has always been told she looks like her dad, which I have seen pictures and she definitely does! But her brother and sister don't. But her and Diana look alike!

And they have so much in common. So many likes and dislikes in common. So many things they do in common. Like, for example, my mom loves lighthouses, so does Diana. My mom is a medical assistant, Diana is an RN. My mom's name is Donna Gail, my aunt's name is Diana Gale.

SO many things tie them together. Yet, they have different moms. Isn't it funny how just a small minute detail can tie you to someone in your family without even realizing it? Like a middle name. Gail, and Gale. Donna and Diana. Only having a father in common, living totally seperate lives, yet ending up so much alike.

Family ties are more than just brother, sister, mom and dad.
:)

Impatience.

I was sitting here playing my keyboard and singing worship songs that Shane is using this Sunday as he fills the worship leader role at a church. It brings back so many memories of just a few months ago, there were no tears of sadness, no impending end to our leadership. Just the group of us up on stage, singing and praising Jesus.

I wipe the tears from my eyes as I type. It chokes me up to remember things as they were. It makes my heart ache for those days of powerpoint troubles and binders of music. Wondering if the mics would cooperate or not. It makes me yearn for the days when we would all get together and hold hands while we prayed for our small group's personal requests. Seeing new people step out of their shell and join us as we sang and lifted our voices to God. I miss that. We have been visiting a church in Fishers. A church that Shane was in the mix of candidates to be the worship leader. Shane took his name out of the running as he felt like he wouldn't be able to do a good enough job right now with his job taking up and consuming much of time. As he sat and contemplated whether or not to take his name out of the running, I kept thinking to myself, "Not again. Not another disappointment. Please God, just let us find a home and a place You want us to be." I have become impatient.

I have always prided myself on being a pretty patient person. In most areas, I still am, but there is a part of me that just wants to set roots down somewhere and be done with the visiting, the newness and awkwardness of a new church. I want to settle down, get Cameron involved in some kind of youth program and get ourselves connected somewhere.

After picking songs out last night for this Sunday, Shane and I sang and played through them. I literally had to stop singing and playing during one song because it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I have to stop being so impatient and start letting God take control. I have to let His strong hands pick us up and sit us in the right place.

Tears poured out of my eyes as I sang the song. I remembered so many things that I had forgotten about. The feelings that felt like they happened so long ago, when they were less than a year ago.

I listened to a song that a good friend of ours had us help record at the church the week before everything turned over. We had played and sung this song for service two weeks in a row and the second week, it was one of the most powerful songs I have ever heard and tears just poured from my eyes as I played the piano. When I listen to the copy of it she sent me, I jsut cry out to God for forgiveness, for being so impatient. I listened to this song last night and it brought back all those feelings we had then. Everything felt so right at that point, but so wrong too. It didn't seem fair that two people that were so good at what they were leading would be pushed aside like they were nothing. So sad to me. But, I know that God was making way for us to move on to the place He wants us to be. So, we move forward.

I want to share two songs today. Lyrics from the song I was singing with Shane last night that moved through my heart, and the other one our friend sang so beautifully.

Surrender

I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within. I lay it all down, for the sake of You my King
I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights. I'm giving you my pride, for the promise of new life.

And I surrender, all to you
All to you.
And I surrender, all to you
All to you

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross. And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You, the glory of Your name, to know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain.

And I surrender, All to you
All to you
And I surrender, All to you
All to you.


Nothing Without You

Take these hands, and life them up
For I have not the strength to praise you near enough
See I have nothing, I have nothing without You

And take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

And all my soul needs is all your love to cover me
So all the world will see, that I have nothing without You.

Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

And all my soul needs is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see, that I have nothing,

But I love You, yeah
With all my heart, with all my soul
With all my mind and all the strength that I can find.

Take my time here on this earth.
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing, I am nothing without You.



Let us all remember that we are all nothing without the love of Jesus. And for that reason, I will be working on my patience. :)