Impatience.

I was sitting here playing my keyboard and singing worship songs that Shane is using this Sunday as he fills the worship leader role at a church. It brings back so many memories of just a few months ago, there were no tears of sadness, no impending end to our leadership. Just the group of us up on stage, singing and praising Jesus.

I wipe the tears from my eyes as I type. It chokes me up to remember things as they were. It makes my heart ache for those days of powerpoint troubles and binders of music. Wondering if the mics would cooperate or not. It makes me yearn for the days when we would all get together and hold hands while we prayed for our small group's personal requests. Seeing new people step out of their shell and join us as we sang and lifted our voices to God. I miss that. We have been visiting a church in Fishers. A church that Shane was in the mix of candidates to be the worship leader. Shane took his name out of the running as he felt like he wouldn't be able to do a good enough job right now with his job taking up and consuming much of time. As he sat and contemplated whether or not to take his name out of the running, I kept thinking to myself, "Not again. Not another disappointment. Please God, just let us find a home and a place You want us to be." I have become impatient.

I have always prided myself on being a pretty patient person. In most areas, I still am, but there is a part of me that just wants to set roots down somewhere and be done with the visiting, the newness and awkwardness of a new church. I want to settle down, get Cameron involved in some kind of youth program and get ourselves connected somewhere.

After picking songs out last night for this Sunday, Shane and I sang and played through them. I literally had to stop singing and playing during one song because it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I have to stop being so impatient and start letting God take control. I have to let His strong hands pick us up and sit us in the right place.

Tears poured out of my eyes as I sang the song. I remembered so many things that I had forgotten about. The feelings that felt like they happened so long ago, when they were less than a year ago.

I listened to a song that a good friend of ours had us help record at the church the week before everything turned over. We had played and sung this song for service two weeks in a row and the second week, it was one of the most powerful songs I have ever heard and tears just poured from my eyes as I played the piano. When I listen to the copy of it she sent me, I jsut cry out to God for forgiveness, for being so impatient. I listened to this song last night and it brought back all those feelings we had then. Everything felt so right at that point, but so wrong too. It didn't seem fair that two people that were so good at what they were leading would be pushed aside like they were nothing. So sad to me. But, I know that God was making way for us to move on to the place He wants us to be. So, we move forward.

I want to share two songs today. Lyrics from the song I was singing with Shane last night that moved through my heart, and the other one our friend sang so beautifully.

Surrender

I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within. I lay it all down, for the sake of You my King
I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights. I'm giving you my pride, for the promise of new life.

And I surrender, all to you
All to you.
And I surrender, all to you
All to you

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross. And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You, the glory of Your name, to know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain.

And I surrender, All to you
All to you
And I surrender, All to you
All to you.


Nothing Without You

Take these hands, and life them up
For I have not the strength to praise you near enough
See I have nothing, I have nothing without You

And take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

And all my soul needs is all your love to cover me
So all the world will see, that I have nothing without You.

Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

And all my soul needs is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see, that I have nothing,

But I love You, yeah
With all my heart, with all my soul
With all my mind and all the strength that I can find.

Take my time here on this earth.
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing, I am nothing without You.



Let us all remember that we are all nothing without the love of Jesus. And for that reason, I will be working on my patience. :)